A rare sports post on LB ...
Found this interesting tidbit over at Mondesi's House:
The last time the [Pittsburgh] Penguins won the Stanley Cup:
1. Bush was in office
2. Clinton was running
3. War in IRAQ
4. Giants won the Super Bowl
5. Dominic Hasek was [a] backup goalie
The Urban Dictionary defines a Library Bitch as ...
... the scary old lady in the library that yells at you for moving a computer screen a lil bit. She probably has a penis.
Well, they're half right. Except that I'm not an old lady; in fact, I am not a lady at all. Which means yes, I do in fact have a penis. Although I don't particularly enjoy yelling at people at random -- I'd much rather hit them in the ear with a wooden stick. That's just me.
But let's not get into an argument over semantics.
I'd just like to say that I think an amended definition may be in order:
Library Bitch
A librarian who treats stupid people the way they ought to be treated: as stupid people.
The way I figure it, my dog is smarter than some of our patrons, and he still gets yelled at (and sometimes smacked across the nose) when he does something stupid. So, if logic is to hold, then in that case ...
... well, you get the idea.
World's not fair, man.
- Crumbs reside on the table.
- Dishes are piling in the sink.
- The coffee maker hasn't been cleaned since perhaps 1994.
- Dust bunnies are breeding rampantly in the corners, not unlike real bunnies.
- The food in the fridge no longer qualifies as food.
No, this is not a description of my house. This is worse; this is ...
... The Staff Kitchen.
You know, you'd think that librarians, of all people, whose entire profession rests on the merits of precision and order, would be able to keep a kitchen relatively clean.
This must be some sort of a private taboo, the one area of their lives where disorder and chaos can reign, where they can forgo their focus on order and just let the mess pile up. Where they can let someone else take care of establishing order, for once.
Problem is, when everyone starts thinking "someone else", there is suddenly no one left to do it. Hence the sorry state of the Staff Kitchen.
Librarians and disorder? Quite the irony, isn't it?
It's a good thing I don't eat in there. Otherwise I'd feel guilty, and perhaps inclined to do my part. Fact is, rarely do I ever step foot in that room, unless The Hot Girl happens to be there; which, of course, goes without saying. Otherwise, I make an active point to stay the hell away from that germfest.**
(** The kitchen, not the Hot Girl. Or so I hope.)
Been a while. Haven't had much to complain about lately ...
... except:
- The guy we caught masturbating in the public washroom. That was a new one. Won't go into any details; suffice it to say, at least he cleaned up after himself. That, too, was a new one.
- I was given a hard time by some for taking a sick day for the first time in over two months. In the meantime, there are other staff who seem to miss an average of one day every two weeks. How many sick days do they get, and how can I get in on that action?
- Tweens in the library. They seem to serve no purpose except to run in circles while simultaneously screeching at an extraordinary decibel level. Honestly, why can't we just be allowed to hit them with a stick? Worked wonders in the 50s, or so my father tells me.
- Vendors. They can't design a halfway-decent ILS or database, and don't seem to care to listen as to why we feel their products are inferior. They're in the business of software development; you'd think free upgrades addressing user concerns would be SOP. Of course, I only once worked in software development, for a vendor, so what the hell do I know?
- And I still don't have my new chair. Bastards.
So, yeah, nothing new, I guess. Just another couple weeks at the office.
Took a moment just now to look at my stats software; haven't done a keyword analysis in some time. It's truly hilarious the things some people are searching for out there.
The following are the ten most recent unintentional search terms used, which led people to Library Bitch. What I mean by 'unintentional' is, these people were most likely not searching for this blog. Intentional searches for LB, like the site name or post names, have been left off the list.
The Ten Most Recent Unintentional Searches Leading People To Visit Library Bitch
librarian gangsta
bitch chinese symbol
beautiful faketits
nyc bitch committee
picking up librarians
librarian fetish
how to pick up bitches
mervin watley
bitch pole
who is that bitch G
The coolest one, I think, is "Mervin Watley". Some dude Googled the name, probably his own, and wound up at the relatively innocuous
Merv Watley post. Poor fella.
And no, I don't even want to know what the hell a "bitch pole" is.
--
FYI along similar lines:
"Strap-on Sex" is apparently an authorized LC subject heading.
Who knew?
See for yourself at LOC.
Why is it that no guest speakers can seem to figure out the microphone/speaker correlation?
These people speak publicly for a living. You'd think they'd know that standing right beside the speaker creates the sort of feedback which would make Angus Young proud. Yet, somehow, none of them seem to understand this very simple dynamic.
So now I've got a splitting headache and patrons complaining about our shoddy equipment at all of our events. Headaches and patrons are not a good combination. I've been trying to tell them, in as kind a manner possible, that the equipment is fine and the guest speakers are a bunch of idiots.
So far, this approach seems to be working; instead of knocking our equipment, people are now requesting we get intelligent guest speakers who actually know how to use the equipment.
That means the program-attending public is now open to new forms of programming, which in turn allows us to become more creative with what we offer. As a result, staff morale is at an all-time high.
Ah, the power of negative spin. Don't ever underestimate its benefits.
A quick thought on the new Family Day* holiday.
Do those of us who don't have families get the day off, too?
I asked this of [Supervisor] and she looked at me like I was from another planet. I guess TradLibs** just don't have a sense of humour.
The thing is, how does a guy without a family celebrate Family Day, exactly?
Watch Family Guy DVDs?
Crank the volume on the Sly & The Family Stone collection?
Drop by the sperm bank and help someone start a family?
Eat by myself at a Family Restaurant?
Read Family Circus cartoons?
On second thought, scratch that last one. Those over-sweetened single panel drawings ruined my breakfasts for enough years in the past ... and to think, people wondered why I was such an angry kid in school.
--
* Family Day was introduced as a holiday so the politician who introduced it could get re-elected. Worked like a charm, only it turns out not everybody gets the day off as was originally suggested. Whoops.
** Traditional Librarians
Hmmm. Looks like our patrons have enacted some resolutions, also.
Mr. Pole is coming by more frequently. He's shaving more often, he's more sociable with staff, no longer smells bad, and even reads more than he sleeps -- at least, in the library, anyway. He even sets his pole (and the obligatory attached bags of clothes) down in a corner, asking staff to keep an eye on them, as opposed to hauling them throughout the building.
Either he's finally found himself a support worker, or he's just plain sick of living in the streets and is actively trying to better himself. Either way, it's nice to see him making an effort, as opposed to excuses.
FakeTits has taken it upon herself to actively flirt with me whenever she sees I'm on the desk. But that's a no-go zone -- G has respect issues with people whose insecurities dominate their lives to such a point they have to use foreign substances to sexualize themselves. She's a very nice girl, one who honestly doesn't need the silicone to attract a man. But. She chose to inject, so I choose to reject.
NapTime has also been more awake lately, and more talkative. Although I can't for the life of me understand what he says half the time - he's got a serious stutter happening. But he's a nice old man, and one of the few who we leave be when we catch him snoozing. We let him sleep because unlike the homeless, the sight of a sleeping elderly man does not offend the average patron.
As for the Overly White Gangsta, I haven't seen much of him lately. I miss him.
Although I do hear that he comes in looking at children's books every now and then. The staff in that department thought he was getting the books for his kid, but I know better. He let it slip once that he has actually managed to not impregnate any teenagers yet (which is truly amazing if you know the type), meaning the books are most likely for him. I'm guessing the pictures help him learn the words better.
And my coffee has been fine lately. I have discovered that if I hide it within an empty decaf container, it will remain completely untouched, for weeks at a time. Score!!!
Okay, it's the new year, so it's time I do the obligatory New Year's Resolution post.
This year I resolve to:
Not make the kinds of personal well-being resolutions that we all make, but know we cannot possibly keep.
You know, things like healthy living, being less of an asshole, to stop kicking cats, etc. Not gonna happen.
However, I can make - and keep - resolutions for the workplace. Well, maybe not the one about drinking, but other than that, I think there are some that even I can keep.
This year, at the Library, I resolve to:
1/ Be more assertive with the teens. I need an excuse for a new crowbar, anyway.
(I love the word "assertive". It has so many context-dependent meanings tied to it.)
2/ Tell at least one person per day what I really think of them. Then go home and laugh all night at how they fell for that line of crap.
3/ Break at least one policy per day, just for the hell of it.
4/ Learn how to pronounce the janitor's last name.
5/ Participate in at least one extracurricular staff event. Probably I'll pick one geared towards the female staff (such as when the Avon people come in) and then for fun I'll complain about the lack of male-oriented events, just to piss people off. It counts.
Come to think of it, there is, actually, one personal resolution that I can keep.
I will tell the dog, every day, how much I love him.
After all, that's what he does every day. Except for when he's licking himself. That's his time.
It's a new year, and as I gaze into the crystal ball of my dreams, I see:
[Cue the music]
In the year 2008 ... in the year 2008 ...
1.
Unusable corporate ILS systems will be replaced with user-friendly OpenSource ILS software. Library efficiency, and available budget, will skyrocket in the process.
2.
Libraries will finally realize the importance of hiring actual web developers, as opposed to high school interns, to design aesthetically-pleasing and easy-to-navigate websites. Laughter at the state of so-called information professionals' own inabilities to organize online information will dissipate substantially.
3.
In a related development, the newly-hired web developers will make library catalogues, specifically catalogue records, aesthetically-pleasing and easy-to-read.
4.
Libraries will reserve specified groups of computers for gaming, thus eliminating the utter crime of serious researchers with something to contribute to society being deprived of computers after 3pm by lazy, whiny preteens, for whom Second Life = Social Life.
5.
A rigorous intolerance for patron misbehaviour will be adopted, with penalties for policy-breaking ranging from suspension to expulsion to physical beatings. Noise levels will be drastically reduced as sales of inanimate carbon rods dramatically rise.
6.
All existing shelving will be replaced by movable stacks, allowing allocating collection space to finally coincide with actual collection size.
7.
E-books will die a quick and deservedly-painful death, as library managers finally catch on that small text on computer screens is impossible to read for more than a couple minutes. Companies which build e-book readers will subsequently collapse, for the same reason.
8.
New studies will reveal audiobooks to be as deadly as cellphones in causing automobile accidents.
9.
Social networking sites will link further into library catalogues than ever before, causing new security headaches for IT professionals everywhere, and loan policy headaches for administrative staff. By the end of the year, more books will be lent out via InterLoan than community borrowing, leaving librarians everywhere to wonder if they will ever see their books again.
10.
Parking for public library staff, working in libraries using city-owned parking lots, will be at long last free of charge. Indirect employees of the city will finally enjoy the same benefits as direct employees of the city, putting an end to terrible injustice that has gone on for far too long.
In the year 2008 ... in the year 2008 ...
[End Music. Exeunt omnes. Wake up.]
Dammit! It was all a dream.
Oh well, there's always 2009 ... and 10 ... and forever more.
So this is Christmas!
The library was peaceful today. The problem people ceased to cause problems, if only for today.
It was wonderful. The usual suspects were anything but usual. Must have been the spirit of the season. That or a blue moon.
Here's how good we had it:
The gamers didn't show up today.
The smelly guy apparently wore deodorant.
The homeless people found another building in which to sleep.
Our resident rage-aholic was kindly wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday season.
Our resident beer-swiller was drinking coffee for once (probably mixed, but still).
The narcoleptic didn't fall asleep in the washroom.
FakeTits was wearing a bra.
Even the Overly White Gangsta got into the spirit with a gold Star of David necklace and cross-shaped earrings. (I neglected to explain the paradox to him - I didn't want to ruin his holiday by making him have to think.)
Yeah, all in all a great day. Makes one wish this time of year would last longer than it does.
Alas, next week it will all go back to normal:
The gamers will tie up the computers. The smelly guy will make us all nauseous. The homeless people will sleep in the lounge, driving other customers away, and the rage-aholic will pop off on some random patron for no good reason. The alcoholic will be drinking from a paper bag while browsing the stacks, the narcoleptic will have to be awoken on the can again, FakeTits will get back to showing off her terribly uneven boob job, and the OWG will somehow find another way to lower this town's overall standard of intelligence even further than he already has.
(There's more problem patrons than just these, of course - too many to count - but these are my favorites. Turns out they can be sensible and respectful ... for a day. Who knew?)
So I enjoyed today for what it was worth, knowing full well that such peace and harmony has no chance of carrying forward beyond the rest of this week. I soaked in every minute of the quiet, every minute that went by without a patron issue. Sex in the stacks wouldn't have been better ... well, no, it probably would have, but you get the idea.
Once you've done this gig long enough, days like these become the stuff of urban legend. If you get one, take it for what it is, hold onto it, and enjoy it for all that it is worth.
For another day like this is, at best, an entire year away.
Peace and Happy Holidays to everyone, and remember: you never know what tomorrow's going to bring, so always make sure to get the best of today while the getting's still good.
Pleasing people.
That's the frustration. But not in the way you would think it would be.
The natural inclination would be to assume that I'm saying it's difficult to please people.
Nope.
That part is easy. Too easy. And therein lies the problem.
Background: I hold a specialty role at [Library]. My job description suggests that I am the resident specialist, or expert, in this particular area within the library. My job is almost solely built around this particular area of interest.
I do what I do well, namely because I've been doing it my entire professional life, and for many years prior.
Since no one else at [Library] is an expert in this particular area, their expectations are quite low, compared to the Standard of Expectation within other organizations more familiar with what I do than the staff of [Library].
Thing is, because I've been doing this pretty much exclusively for the last decade or so, I've become somewhat of a perfectionist. The longer you do something, the better you want to be at it, and the more you expect of yourself.
But that's the problem.
[Supervisor] is very happy what I am producing. [Big Boss] likes it even more. I think it's crap.
This is my life, people. I'm producing what I think is a piece of shit, and everyone else seems to love it because they don't know any better, having not worked with this stuff to the extent that I have.
I suppose I should embrace their ignorance, and be happy that they are satisfied, but my professional pride keeps getting in the way. I can satisfy their expectations, but not my own ... believe me, it's much more frustrating than it sounds.
Your inclination right now is to probably ask me why I'm complaining about what, on the surface, appears to be a good thing.
All I can say to that is, borrow my shoes and see for yourself. As much as I like the notion of getting more for less (in this case, compliments and high standing for what I know to be a low-quality output), I still want to be able to be proud of the output, rather than the views of those who have no frame of reference regarding the output.
Does this make me a purist, anal, or an egomaniac? Or am I simply dedicated to my craft?
At the moment, I'm really not sure which it is.
Why do so many librarians love cats?
Is it because most librarians are female? You know, the whole women-and-cats thing?
No, that can't be; most of the men in libraries seem to love cats, too.
Then again, most men who choose to work in libraries are rather effeminate to begin with. Comes with the territory, I suppose. Sort of like working in fashion.
As a decidedly non-effeminate dog owner, I swear, I must be in the wrong profession.
The RefDesk is a lot of things, but it is never, ever, a dull day. To wit, I have actually provided answers to each of the following questions, several of which I have answered on multiple occasions.
"Where do you sign up for a library card?"
(asked while standing right in front of the large Library Cards sign.)
"Do you have a website?"
(asked while holding a brochure with the web address printed clearly on the front.)
"Why don't you have this book? All libraries should have it!"
(the book in question was a French translation of an obscure Finnish novel about ancient Russian burial rites. [Library] services a WASP, blue-collar town. You do the math.)
"Is Barney really black?"
(who would want to know, and why should it matter?)
"I received an eviction notice because I couldn't pay the rent because I'm out of work and haven't been able to find anything in my field. I need legal information on how to sue my landlord for breaking our rental agreement, and maybe some form of harassment, also."
(you're kidding, right?)
Yeah, it's good to see the people making use of us, up here at the ol' ref desk. We put your tax dollars to good use, each and every day.
Ever hear of the Librarian Fetish?
The tightly buttoned-up attire, the perma-scowl, the hair in the bun. And the cateyes. There's just something about those specs.
Nobody can be so repressed all the time, can they? Hence the genesis of the fetish: anybody that repressed must be equally wild behind the scenes, or so the fantasy goes.
Well then, for all you people out there who suffer the Librarian Fetish and dream of what happens when the bun comes down ...
... this is the post for you.
How To Pick Up A Librarian
Don't try to pick them up in the library. Big no-no. Most are so focussed on the heavy workload of checkins/checkouts, reorganizing books in return carts, and reading Hollywood gossip online, that they more than likely won't recognize what it is you are trying to do.
Do get yourself over to an off-site librarian hangout. Skip the local bars, you won't find any librarians there. The surplus of exposed cleavage which has made the club scene famous tends to intimidate the buttoned-up librarian types. Instead, head to a Librarian Bar ... otherwise known as a bookstore with a Starbucks inside.
Don't try the usual pickup lines. If you've ever been in a library, you will know that librarians generally do not care about their outward appearance and make minimal effort to look pretty. Ergo, any lines formulated around the concept of their physical appearance will go relatively unnoticed.
Do compliment their tastes, be it the books they have in hand, or the equisite detail on the rims of their cateye spectacles. But be warned: librarians are behind the times and still see themselves as the gatekeepers of the world's information access, Internet be damned. By extension, they love knowledgable people. If you don't know your books, your MARC, or your Hollywood gossip, better luck next time, pal.
Don't be "all that". Librarians don't care how much money you make, largely because we don't make enough to really care about it ourselves. That and a large percentage of librarians live inside the Great Bubble of Altruism, believing in what they do above all else. In their minds, your six-figure Executive VP CEO-track position is nothing compared to their for-the-betterment-of-society responsibilities.
Do speak highly of as many non-profit organizations as you can, especially those centred around literacy and children's education. If you drop the props at the right time, and in the right amount, you will see that bun begin to slip.
Don't mention how much you love the convenience of the Internet, or the thought of a paperless (and therefore bookless) society. In fact, if your job is based around making information more accessible to the average person (rendering librarians redundant in the process), you may as well head home now and start looking for a new fetish.
Do mention your strong hatred of Everything Google, even if this is a flat-out lie. Hey, we all lie when we're trying to pick up anyway, so what's the difference? For some odd reason, librarians get really excited whenever something bad is said about Google. It's the librarian's equivalent to Spanish Fly. Seriously.
Don't mention the overdues you have at your library, or the time you were kicked out for screaming at staff over the $2 per day DVD fines. This should go without saying.
Do speak in code, wherever possible. In other words, learn a little LC or Dewey, same as you would learn a little French if you were going to Quebec with the intention of picking up. If you can manage to successfully work a little 821.008 in there, you're golden, baby.
A final tip:
If you look like Johnny Depp, even just a little bit, you won't have to do a thing; the librarians will come to you. This is a truism across the board. Don't ask me why - it just is.
So if you find yourself feeling that Bunhead itch, hit up your nearest bookstore/coffeeshop mashup, stake out the Reference, Mystery, and Romance aisles, and get ready to rip that juke joint in two.
Use these tips properly, and you will see for yourself the freaky-deeky hiding beneath the bun.
Like the great plagues of the early centuries, committees spread rapidly, mercilessly killing the productivity of all employees in their paths.
Any idea why Robert's Rules Of Order were created, other than to drive those of us attending the meeting utterly insane?
And on a related note, why do people insist on following them as if they are The Penultimate Commandments handed down to The Great Administropoles by Moses himself?
Last I checked, God's last name wasn't Roberts ... the dude's God, what the hell does he need a last name for?
"How're you doing? I'm Gabriel, your new Messenger angel."
"Hey, what's up guy. My name's Jehovah. Jehovah Roberts."
It's 2am, I'm on my last beer and I still can't get to sleep. Too much running through my head ...
1/ How can I convince the producers of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch to do an episode featuring ALA President Loriene Roy versus CLA President Alvin Schrader?
1b/ Why am I so interested in seeing this happen???
1c/ 50 bucks on my man Schrader. Not just because he's Canadian. I hear he's got a feisty side in those Executive Council meetings.
2/ Should I be worried that none of our patrons seems to know how to count? Or maybe it's just that they prefer the librarians' company in the stacks ... those books can be mighty intimidating. Especially the oversize.
3/ If a book falls in the stacks, does a librarian hear it? Should anyone care? Why, then, do I?
4/ HTML, XML, CSS, JavaScript, ASP ... I know all of these, inside and out, yet somehow I can't learn to speak French. Hell, I know Dewey, LC, and MARC. WTF???
5/ Our public washroom toilets run over nearly every day. Do our patrons not know how to use a toilet? Do we need to post signage in there, specifying how to wipe and the proper amount of TP to use? And why do I have such a need to figure this one out?
5b/ Why, oh why, are librarians so obsessed with signage, anyway?
Going to try this sleeping thing one more time. Maybe I'll read some cataloguing how-to websites first. That ought to do it.
The photocopier/printer/fax/scanner unit has apparently been fixed. My department is taking bets on how long it takes for the next copier meltdown. My money is on Tuesday at the latest.
There's some meeting I'm supposed to attend today. Somehow, my uber-procedural supervisor managed to schedule it overtop of refdesk time. Lovely. So either the desk goes shorthanded because I'm in the meeting, or the meeting goes shorthanded because I'm at the desk. I think the smart money is on waiting to see how the meeting progresses before making any rash decisions.
The problem with a breakfast beer is it makes one crave a brunch beer shortly thereafter (e.g. mid-morning in the office while blogging).
Just now, I discovered that my friendly neighborhood [Coffeeshop] has such excellent coffee, it's even good cold. Helps with the brunch beer cravings, big-time.
The OWG with the chunk of metal thrust through his tongue was back today. The guy is like Sylvester The Cat when he speaks. Every time I see the guy I wonder two things simultaneously: (a) would the union protect me if I did our staff a favor by ripping it out of there ... isn't the spitting a health & safety violation? and (b) I wonder what the lead composition is in what looks to be no more than a ten-dollar pierce job?
