The Keyword on the Street

Took a moment just now to look at my stats software; haven't done a keyword analysis in some time. It's truly hilarious the things some people are searching for out there.

The following are the ten most recent unintentional search terms used, which led people to Library Bitch. What I mean by 'unintentional' is, these people were most likely not searching for this blog. Intentional searches for LB, like the site name or post names, have been left off the list.


The Ten Most Recent Unintentional Searches Leading People To Visit Library Bitch

librarian gangsta
bitch chinese symbol
beautiful faketits
nyc bitch committee
picking up librarians
librarian fetish
how to pick up bitches
mervin watley
bitch pole
who is that bitch G


The coolest one, I think, is "Mervin Watley". Some dude Googled the name, probably his own, and wound up at the relatively innocuous
Merv Watley post. Poor fella.

And no, I don't even want to know what the hell a "bitch pole" is.

--

FYI along similar lines:

"Strap-on Sex" is apparently an authorized LC subject heading.
Who knew?

See for yourself at LOC.

Top 5 Reference Questions Asked Of G

The RefDesk is a lot of things, but it is never, ever, a dull day. To wit, I have actually provided answers to each of the following questions, several of which I have answered on multiple occasions.


"Where do you sign up for a library card?"
(asked while standing right in front of the large Library Cards sign.)


"Do you have a website?"
(asked while holding a brochure with the web address printed clearly on the front.)


"Why don't you have this book? All libraries should have it!"
(the book in question was a French translation of an obscure Finnish novel about ancient Russian burial rites. [Library] services a WASP, blue-collar town. You do the math.)


"Is Barney really black?"
(who would want to know, and why should it matter?)


"I received an eviction notice because I couldn't pay the rent because I'm out of work and haven't been able to find anything in my field. I need legal information on how to sue my landlord for breaking our rental agreement, and maybe some form of harassment, also."
(you're kidding, right?)


Yeah, it's good to see the people making use of us, up here at the ol' ref desk. We put your tax dollars to good use, each and every day.

Things That Keep G Up At Night

It's 2am, I'm on my last beer and I still can't get to sleep. Too much running through my head ...

1/ How can I convince the producers of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch to do an episode featuring ALA President Loriene Roy versus CLA President Alvin Schrader?

1b/ Why am I so interested in seeing this happen???

1c/ 50 bucks on my man Schrader. Not just because he's Canadian. I hear he's got a feisty side in those Executive Council meetings.

2/ Should I be worried that none of our patrons seems to know how to count? Or maybe it's just that they prefer the librarians' company in the stacks ... those books can be mighty intimidating. Especially the oversize.

3/ If a book falls in the stacks, does a librarian hear it? Should anyone care? Why, then, do I?

4/ HTML, XML, CSS, JavaScript, ASP ... I know all of these, inside and out, yet somehow I can't learn to speak French. Hell, I know Dewey, LC, and MARC. WTF???

5/ Our public washroom toilets run over nearly every day. Do our patrons not know how to use a toilet? Do we need to post signage in there, specifying how to wipe and the proper amount of TP to use? And why do I have such a need to figure this one out?

5b/ Why, oh why, are librarians so obsessed with signage, anyway?

Going to try this sleeping thing one more time. Maybe I'll read some cataloguing how-to websites first. That ought to do it.

Dream On

The wonderful printer/fax/photocopier/scanner machine, which resides next to my office, is down today.

Again.

What a waste of money this piece of junk is. If one part goes down, the whole thing goes down. Today something in the fax element overheated, and as a result we can't print, photocopy, or scan either.

Just wonderful.

I'm dreaming of the day this thing finally makes it through a week without breaking down. My co-workers suggest that I not hold my breath for it. I suggested to those responsible for equipment purchases that they do.

I honestly cannot find the words to express my daily frustration with this piece of shit that has been somehow labelled a functional piece of equipment (I have yet to figure that one out), so I'll let the classic film Office Space do the talking for me.



(clip courtesy of Daily Motion)

If only ... oh baby, if only.

The Blonde

People.

We get all kinds of them at [ Library ].

We get young ones, old ones, somewhere-in-betweens.

Know-it-alls, can't-find-its, and don't-know-where-to-starts.

Ugly ones, next door types, and the occasional model-quality.

Bright ones, average Joes, stupid ones, and Blondes.

(Not all blondes, mind you. Just the ones who've earned the capital "B". You know what I'm talking about. And to all the Blondes reading this post, no, I'm not talking about grades.)

Yeah, I know it sounds like stereotyping, but over time, you learn that just like everything else in the library, people can be categorized.

Take today, for instance. Was I fortunate enough to get a model? Hell no, this is my luck we're talking about. I didn't even get one of the seniors. I got the Blonde.

There's always one, every week. Somehow they find their way into our library (usually with a map), at which point they take it upon themselves to ensure that hilarity does, in fact, ensue.

So there I am, at the desk, trying to look interested in being a good Reference Librarian, when out of the stacks wanders this girl. I'm guessing she's probably quite pretty beneath all the makeup, I'm guessing early 20s, and I'm sure about the hair colour. Blonde. Naturally. If the roots, eyebrows, and skin tone didn't give it away, the perma-lost look on her face left no doubt. Capital B, all the way.

G: "Can I help you find something?"

Capital B: "Ummm, I'm, like, uh, looking for this, um, book number I wrote down, and like, um, I, like, totally, like can't find the, uh, the, the number. Tee hee!!!"

(She actually giggled "tee hee". And here I thought they only did that in comic strips.)

G: "Can I see the number? Okay, you're looking for the 350s ... come with me, I'll show you where that is."

Capital B: "Thanks!!! You like so totally rock!!!"

Now, if she fell into ANY other category, I'd think nothing of it. So far, it's a routine ref question: the person isn't familiar with the library, so I will show the person where to find their book, so they can get a sense of how the books are organized at [ Library ]. Ordinarily, this would be nothing worth writing about. But this particular occasion was on the fast track to becoming anything but ordinary.

The stacks are made up of about 10 rows of bookshelves, each row running the length of our rather lengthy non-fiction area. But even when you enter the stacks, you can see to the end of the row, and you can clearly see books along the shelves, all the way to the end. I tell you this because it is about to become very important to the story.

We get about halfway down a row of the stacks. I notice this puts us at the 330s, meaning that the 350s Blondie seeks are probably about 3/4 of the way down. I relay this information to Blondie, and here is her actual answer (I cannot make this kind of material up):

"Omigod! I had no idea the books kept going all the way down the shelves! You mean that if we keep walking a bit further, the number I need will be right down there???"

G [in his head]: "Can you not COUNT???!!!"

G [out loud]: "You've got it. The 330s are ending right here, so the 350s should be about two shelves down. Let's go check it out and see if I'm right!"

Capital B: "You're on! But I think 350 is like SUCH a higher number than 330, it's got to be like WAAAAAY at the end! I think you're, like, SOOOOO totally wrong. Do I get the book for free if I win?"

As it turns out, I was, like, so totally right.

And no, I didn't have the heart to tell her that the books were free to begin with. I didn't want to overheat her brain by wrapping it around the thought of what public libraries do and why such a service would ever exist.

I made sure to walk down a different row on my way back to the desk, because frankly, a spectacle such as that just isn't complete without the closing head-shake and eye-roll maneuver.

(I had to make sure she didn't witness it; she was kind of cute, so I didn't particularly want to hurt her feelings.)

I mean, you're going to tell me you can't figure out a simple sequence of numbers, that follow in order? You can't extrapolate that if you passed the 320s, then the 330s, that the 350s might just be coming up sooner rather than later? Especially if you can see a good thirty feet of shelving, lined with books, continuing down the aisle that you are in?

Not to mention the whole books for free thing ... are you kidding me??? Sad thing is, she wasn't!!!

Really, how stupid, how dense, how utterly clueless can a person be???!!!

(Or do I even want to know?)

And I don't mean to disparage blondes in this post (I know several who are absolutely brilliant people), or to further what can often be a cruel and misleading stereotype. Capital B did that all by herself.

You see, there are blondes, like my friends the electrical engineer, the occupational therapist, and even some fellow librarians. And then there are Blondes. Like Capital B, today.

I wish I'd thanked her, I really do. Because after all, it's the Capital B's (along with many others you will meet along the way) who seize the dreary days destined for boredom, transforming them into wonderfully hilarious memories that will last a lifetime.

And here you thought idiots didn't serve a purpose. Shame on you.